Horóscopo Sexual

The most perverted horoscope on the web

We’re finally in summer. I imagine that many of you will have started taking photos on the seashore with a mojito in your hand and, of course, you will have posted them on social networks to show that you are an alcoholic also on the beach how cool you are. When this season arrives, I usually buy a red satin ribbon to make a nice bow to the pussy that I care about your photos on the beach.

Anyway, with or without photos on the networks, summer is falling and we all want it to be a summer that we will remember forever, but not for having contracted an STD for fucking without a condom.

What we dream is a magical summer, but, once again, the stars will tell us what our destiny will be. Meanwhile, as far as venereal infections are concerned, it will be your adventurous spirit to decide whether to catch them or not.

Anyway, thanks to the Horoscope of the Vice that I just got out of the sleeve, you will discover what the stars have planned for the imminent summer season. Look for your sign and, if you do not fit into any of these profiles, you are a mixture of all of them together. Go.

Onanists:

An old Chinese proverb said “You can not guide the wind, but you can change the direction of your sails”. Dear onanist friends, thanks to Mercury, a planet that grants intelligence and ingenuity, you will understand that if you keep masturbating against the direction of the wind, it is normal for you to splash everything. Put yourself in favor of the wind and everything will change, starting with the color of your shirts, which will no longer be sticky white.

Precocious ejaculators:

In the ’80s Cyndi Lauper dominated all the charts with the song “Girls just want to have fun” although the real title was “Girls just want to have cum”. Few people know that the change of name came about because of the pressure that the singer received from cosmetic companies that wanted to keep hidden the regenerating powers of sperm. Let this inspire you, dear precocious ejaculatory friends: open a Youtube channel with tutorial videos on how to care for the skin with sperm, planetary success will not be long in coming and, with it, the work proposals. You will end up accepting Nivea’s offer, which will hire you as ambassadors of the brand, changing the name of some of its flagship products: from Nivea Expert Lift to Nivea Experma Lift.

Frigid and/or impotent:

Sex is overrated, so nothing, keep going so you’re on the right track.

Fetish:

Saturn will enter a shoe store and realize that stilettos have gone out of fashion, now what Frankenstein-style platforms carry. Then, somewhat surprised, Saturn will say “But what is this shit?”. So, dear fetish friends, this summer your libido will be lower than the pressure of my deceased grandmother 20 years ago, which will lead you to look for another fetish. Towards the end of July, with the appearance of Venus, you will receive an unexpected gift: Crocs. There will be no turning back; your libido will commit suicide, along with your dignity and good taste.

Orgasm simulator:

With the arrival of Jupiter you will realize that your talent in faking orgasms is wasted. Point to “You are worth it.” From there, the success will not be long in coming, but not for you but for your imaginary friend Teo, who will become a porn star for the blind. Meanwhile, your partner will discover that you have always pretended, so he will leave you for Teo. The pain will be so great that you will begin to pretend even when you masturbate. At that time the summer will be over, as your desire to continue having sex.

Nymphomaniac and/or satyrs:

The saying goes: “When the wise man points to the moon, the fool looks at the finger” but instead you ask him “And when do you fuck?”. This summer, with Saturn in favor, you will stop spoiling all the sayings of the world with your insatiable sexual instinct and when the wise man points to the moon again you will only say “Oh, what a big finger you have!” Without trying to take off his pants. It is understood?

Novice parents:

In the next few months you will have the opportunity to make a wish come true. “Sleeping at night 2 hours in a row” is not going to be possible, I’m sorry, you’ll have to find another wish or give your girl to adoption. In spite of the insomnia, you will still have the strength to remember how happy and calm your life was before becoming parents, although the smile of your girl after a good burst is priceless. Well, yes insomnia is the price. Oups, that smells like shit, go and change your diaper and happy summer!

Virgins:

The moon will realize that it is in the wrong place, so Pluto will go to Putón and stay there for a long time. Or until syphilis does not show up at your door.

Tantristas:

You are not tired of opening and closing the chakras every day? The message of the stars is clear “Look for a concierge now!”.

Christians:

Beginning in the second week of July, the Holy Spirit will enter your home without first knocking on the door. As good Christians you will be kind and hospitable to him, even if he insists that you give him all the money you have stored under the tile. At the end it will take everything, including furniture, leaving only the crucifix that you have hanging on top of the bed. Blind because of anger and resentment, the devil will also visit you; Thanks to him, you will discover that this crucifix can be much more useful. The stars say “Buy a lot of lubricant.”

Moraleja: Urbanization in Madrid. Or what did you think, what similar article would have some deeper existential reason?

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